To my Future Daughter

Dear Future Headache,

I am sorry. You came unplanned and yes I am damned surprised. I wasn’t “that happy” when i saw the positive lines to those PT tests (i did thrice thinking the first and second was an error), but I wasn’t also sad. Deep inside I know I want to have a mini me, it is just you came two years earlier than of my plan. I am sorry if you ever felt you are unwanted...Your mom is just crazy and don’t know what feelings to have. 

I am sorry I smoked “my last puff” while waiting for the blood test (to confirm 200% that you are really here). The moment I got the lab results tho, never I dared to look and touch a cigarette again. It is so difficult not to have a decent withdrawal period but, your health matters more to me. (Takot ko lang na maging ngo-ngo ka 😂)

I am sorry that I didn’t emotionally attached myself immediately to you. During the first doctor visit, she said that there’s a possibility that your heartbeat will not develop: I had an alcoholic, smoking spree and adventurous month during your first weeks. (You are with me in Egypt—smoking, drinking, and climbing the pyramids. Went to Philippines- hanged out with your Ninongs and ninangs and yes, non-stop alcohol and nicotine. Lastly, in Dubai, while your Ninangs and I slide our asses not once but twice and non-stop in Lego land and drunk 2 boxes of Heineken beers in just two nights 🤦🏼‍♀️)

I avoided thinking I am pregnant and just continued with my day to day even people saying to me, “start talking to it, naririnig ka na nya.” I am afraid to fall in love with you, and the latter, i expected the worst and you will leave me just like that. 

But weeks have passed and here you are. Strong as F and giving Nanay a hard time carrying you 😂 Cramps, sleepless nights... me not able to eat and enjoy meals. (I lost 8kgs already— you are dieting me😬)

You made me an emotional freak; crying over petty stuffs. EG: I cried over a fish that ain’t looking as exactly the menu picture. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I sobbed for almost 30mins when I read the message that your Nanay Tinz can’t accompany me to your scan. I obsessed myself looking at your Kuya Liam’s pictures and videos (Thank you Mamamanager for your IG posts that i stalk everyday) 🙄Nagged your Ninang Diana for mandatory talks every day (oh well, i know she loves talking to me too so all is fair) 😂I became crazier than ever 🤣

Tons have changed since I saw those two lines. One thing is for sure tho, i love you more, and more each day. I will sacrifice my world and others too (collateral damage 🤭) just to give you the best of the world.

I am afraid not to be a great mom. I am afraid that when you grow up you will be hating me. (Our Zodiac sign btw contradicts each other 😱) I am afraid I will not be enough to fulfill your future potential.

I know I will be a stage mom. For that, I apologize. Know that from this moment on, there will be a pressure on your shoulder— I hope and pray that you be the one to accomplish Nanay’s dream: ATTY before your name 😬🤭. But if in case not, still I will love you unconditionally. But please, just don’t be a damn ass 😂😅 worst, a blondie stupid one😣

Your dad wants you to learn German. I want Mandarin. (So basically we will force you to know 5 languages- English, Filipino, Romanian, German and Mandarin) 😏 He wants you to do fencing, and me archery. He wants you to play the violin and Nanay wants harp. Too much things we want for you. Please don’t kill us later on 🤓😛 Again, sorry in advance.

I can’t wait to see you. I am excited to hug and kiss you 😘 Surely we will shower you with much love and affection and you will vomit from all of it 🤮🙇🏻‍♀️ Please don’t get tired of me as my world revolves around you now. I will be protective of you— ensuring 99.9% of safeguarding 😬.

I love you little one. You are the best thing that happened to me. You are my happiness in the dawn. 

P.S.: Love me back and stop making me suffer 😂😂😂

Your daddy can’t write his own message so here’s the screenshot of what he wants to say:

When you Hit Rock Bottom Shit

*Found this on my notes. Last year is really rock bottom shit for me. 2017 kicked me multiple times and in all aspect of my life.

At 27, I lost my job. Whose fault it is? Mine. Ignorant decision making, trusted wrong people, outburst of emotion and of course, ego. I am wrong yet, i stand not to be corrected; to shamed to admit it. Am i a bad ass? Nope! I am stupid and now I am walking to the consequences—

Last two weeks til’ this date, i can’t sleep properly. I will wake up every hour and frustrated to check my e-mails to see if one company replies to my sent work intent. But there is none. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster ride; every time the clock hits 3pm, it is already a disappointment. (Office hours are done, so, no can do for a job offer call) My phone now is always at loud, hoping someone will give me a ring—

I avoided and avoiding people. I received messages and just ignores it. In times like this, I’ve realized that people aren’t actually concern with you but, rather, would like to get “news” which they can spread out through the community. As if I am a fuckin’ celebrity and my professional heartbreak is a front page full coloured print out tabloid worthy.

I went to numerous interviews. Talking non-stop; trying to impress people but controlling myself not to beg for a job. Expensive day to day. Uber here, Bahrain taxi there. It is just exhausting and yes, still after some time, I am empty handed. No job offer.

I try to plan things. Option after option. What will be next for me? What will bring back my angst just to be me, again. I am a warrior and tried to live as such as one. Tough me, i am the boss for long and never will i allow it to be lowered.

My standard of life. My professional ethique. What will be next now?

Short Term Eye for Success- Job Hopper Me

During my first year of employment, I attended tons of interviews— actively searching for a “change”. One of the HR guy questioned me and it absolutely marked: “How do you see yourself 5 years from now in the company?” My answer, a long pause and an awkward smile. My thought is, never to stay to a company that long. It will be dreadful to do same stuffs over and over thru the years.

Years had passed and still the same perspective i have. I can’t last that long to a job. My maximum employment history is of 2 years and 5 months. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?

I get bored easily. I always crave for what’s next and for more challenges. I hate routine and i am uncomfortable being mandated by the norms.

I don’t have retirement plans. I live only by the moment and that moment is to satisfy my urge for further success; professional labels and nothing else.

Is it wrong? Yes, I admit. I guess it is a “millenial” thing that I am brought up with the mentality of I can do and be anything I want hence, I always keep testing my waters. It is not easy but, as weird as it is, I am satisfied.

Funny that people all over recognizes me from “somewhere” just because I have worked almost “everywhere”. 

One company to the other; grade levels up and down. There will be no stability yet, there is fondness with it. Why am I patronizing this mentality? 

I am just laughing with my own stupidness. 

Don’t be like me. Don’t be like Jessie 😂 

And yes, right now, after 4 months of being employed by my current company, I am planning on resigning 🤨🤨🤨. 

Welcome Back to Me!

I started this blog when I was in college. And, looking back to all my posts, I can really say that man, I got a tough and stupid life back then. (smh😑) Seriously, all about frustrations, heart breaks, emotional dilemmas and so on and so forth. I wonder why I didn't end up crazy with all those shits? haha.

Anyhow, fast forward to year 2017, I guess I am a little more mature (hell yeah) and have a stronger perspective about life, career, love and whatever factor there is in my life. With all that said, I am claiming again this page. I will be updating it from time to time and hopefully will be able to write and share more useful and witty thoughts about anything under the sun.

To my readers (haha assuming me--- I know you are still out there). Please don't give up on me. I know I've been AWOL for the past years (but the stats says people are still checking this page! Yay!) Let's explore the world together and share the joyous life of writing :)

And oh, I am still in the process of editing my page. So, pardon the lay-out and awful colors (the before page is childish, I know!) Just hang in there, I promise, it will be good.

Cigarette

Cigarette, a stick which consist nicotine, carbon monoxide, acrolein and etc. For non-smokers, it is simply an annoying item that produces awful smoke that may harm their health. For smokers (am a member of the club), a substance that makes us relax, entertained and let us not think shits for few minutes.

Smoking cigar has been long part of human history. Since its invention on the 9th century, people seems to be addicted to it. There are huge markets of cigarettes; may it be from the 3rd world, class up to the finest societies there are. Monopolies left and right; ruling the society not to ban such product even though its campaigns airs that it is injurious to health.

So what do we, I, gain from smoking? See, before, I also hated smoking and smokers. I tried it before, during my high school days due to peer pressure but never I got hooked to it. It is disgusting for me. I am actually irritated by those individuals that smokes and one way or the other, I uttered judgment to them (not knowing soon I will be puffing also). Years passed, college came then during my first years as a young professional; parties, meetings and all, still, I didn't smoked---at all. I will just grab a stick and smell it; no lighting it up. I am contented.

Fast forward, I worked to health and wellness company and irony it is, everyone smokes. Meetings will be done on the smoking area. The executives will discuss stuffs to you at the smoking area. If I pass one smoke invite, I will loose business essentials. So there I was, forced to smoke just to be efficient with work. And as they say, the rest is history.

From 2 sticks a day to come 5 and then more when I am drinking; bunch more if restless days comes.

*** OMG. I actually don't know how to continue this one. After almost two years, only now I've logged back :) Oh well, anyhow, will still just post it. haha

LOVE

Mind over Matter --- Fails when your Heart is Stupid. This is something I couldn't argue more with. Everyone of us, in some point in our life, our heart, though not as intelligent enough, won over our rational and logical mind. We, I, became stupid myself. Stupid enough that I ask, "How dumber more it will get?"

I don't know if love should be considered a gift at this point in my life. More like, it is a curse where I hurt myself deeper and deeper. The more I care, the more I will be wounded. The more shit I try to take, the crappier the outcome will be. It is the total opposite of the fairy tales I grew up with.

They say, if you are hurt, it is not love; what is it then? If love doesn't require to be hurt, then why millions of people cry over it? Is it all along that everyone's concept of love is wrong? What is true love then? What is the kind of love that wouldn't allow any tears (hurt per se)?

I mean, God loves us. He sacrificed His Son, Jesus, to save humanity. In such, I therefore assumed, He is hurt by what He did. So in that instance, is it love or not? When my parents disciplined us when we were kids, they physically and verbally hurt us. Does it mean they didn't love me? When my friends do stupid things and ended up me being hurt, does it also mean our relationship is not based on love or there is no love at all?

How do we decode love and not ending to be nuisance about everything? 

Fuck Philippine Customs

Why do you need to open our Balikbayan boxes? Such a shame that you guys doesn't have your own X-Ray machines to do the scannings (i don't know kung meron bang available and kung meron man, inadmit nyo na na hindi ito reliable), that's why, you are letting the fuck*ng corrupts to touch and handle the items that OFWs worked hard for. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo! Wawasakin nyo ung box, bubulatlatin niyo, tapos may mga mawawalang gamit. E di wow! Kayo na ang gobyerno!

If something/s wrong with any of the boxes, don't you think it is more ethical to call the owner and discuss it to them first rather than ransacking directly their balikbayan boxes?
Wala ba kayong mas advance na way para makita ang mga laman ng mga boxes kesa babuyin niyo? Ang daming isyu sa customs; ang daming buwaya. Minsan bubuksan mga boxes kahit wala namang isyu. Ang daming mawawala na mga gamit---madalas signatured brands pa kinukuha.
Some OFWs are abusing the priviledge na walang taxes ang pagpapadala kaya dinadamihan pero, di pa ba sapat ung pera na pinapadala namin sa mga pamilya namin sa pinas na meron ding kaltas para sa gobyerno para pagbigyan o palampasin naman ung mga regalo na from abroad with love na binili?
Mas mura mamili sa ibang bansa, no doubt dahil hindi gahaman mga gobyerno nila sa sandamakmak na patong ng taxes. Ok lang naman na magbayad kami ng taxes, basta may nakikitang patutunguhan. Bagsak na nga ekonomiya, kagaling niyo pa mambwisit. Kayo na talaga Da Best!
Kesa mga small time na balikbayan boxes pinagtritripan nyo, try nyo kaya ung mga big time na smugglers? Oh shit, i forgot, mas malaki nga pala silang maglagay ng under the table kesa sa mga OFW na kagaya namin! Nakakahiya talaga sa inyo! Pesteng mga buwakaw na buwaya kayo!