Christmas

Christmas is the time:

To share...
To love...
To give...
And to forget...

Everyday should be Christmas! :)

Cancer

I was with her during her chemo days. Seeing her everyday was a trauma for me. I mean, the chemo didn't resulted her to became weak and vomit as mostly people under treatment are. Nonetheless, the thought that she is on stage 3, going 4 already, only means one thing. And it happened last night.

My Aunt Rebing died last night due to cancer: cervical cancer to be exact. I no longer know what to feel. I cried for her lost and, this may sound wrong, glad that finally she'd joined our creator. No more pain, no more suffering, no more cancer battle.

*sigh* She's the 7th this year for our family...I want to turn numb, to no longer feel the pain of losing someone but I can't...Sad Christmas really it is. :(

Jogging

How I wish that Santiago City is like Da Fort: I can jog at night without taking the weird looks and impressions, "What the hell is she doing?".

Metro mentality, I misses you :(!

Math do me no good!

I just had an online examination this morning and for the nth time, Math had murdered me! Seriously, what's with me and Math that we can not get along with? I am not good when it comes to numbers. I know the basics, MDAS (multiplication, addition, division and subtraction) and aside from that, am a total dumb ass. I don't even know or should I say, lucky me I passed my college Math!

The Math examination has fractions, ratios, percentages and all in it. I seriously freaked out and stupid me, in my desperation to solved it, I googled "Scientific Calculator!" Genius of me right??? tsk, tsk... That didn't helped me at all.

I stared blankly to my monitor and the heck did what I know best when it comes to Math, mini-my-ni-mo...I just clicked whatever answer I guessed would be right. Now, am waiting for the result of it...Am no longer aiming to have a high score, all I want is to pass! 75% would be good enough...I really have my fingers crossed, both hands and feet on it!

Silly me, Fuck you Math!!!

the idea

Everyone's getting married and starting a family. Almost every quarter, two or more of my batch mates (high school and college), even my friends would announce that they are pregnant or gonna be married. That got me thinking...

You know the feeling of being left out and getting to age??? That's what am dealing right now. They are on that state already when in the first place I haven't found a decent boyfriend! Poor me!!!

The situation is literally bugging me because am just 21! The hell???!!! I can't imagine myself settling down at this point in my life. Nonetheless, am jealous with them...Seeing their babies and living a new life.

Now I admit it, more or less am dreaming the what ifs if I'll be married or have a kid by this date...dumbidum...dumbidum...would I be happy just in case?

Been reiterating with my blogs that I am ambitious, but in that sense, none in my ambition is to be married...dreaming, not aiming for it. I even told my friends that am really not seeing myself with a husband in the future...just kid/s which is inconsiderate of me. I am numb...I became numb (blame my misfortunes when it comes to love) *sigh*

But who knows right? we can never can tell what would be in the future. Maybe, maybe..maybe one day I can also announce, "GUYS AM PREGNANT! or, GUYS, AM GETTING MARRIED" *that comes out weird* *sigh*

Thorn between...

Been bumming around for the past 4 months. It is relaxing at some point, more so, expensive. It has been hard financially on my end, thankfully, I still have my parents to support me. (unconditional love it is) Nevertheless, am not proud of myself.

Everyone that I know knows that I am ambitious, freaking ambitious! And being at this point of my life is not healthy for me. *sigh*

Alright, enough with the bum part...The issue that I have at hand is this: I have two job offers now and I don't know to which I'll sign contract with.

(Clearing my throat) The job offers came from prominent companies. The first one is from an engineering firm that is wildly known and patronized in US. The 2nd one came from a shopping empire. Both positions they are giving are in line with HR...Am really having a hard time to decide.

Asked my friends to which they think would be better and all of them said I should go with the shopping empire. It should be easier for me given all my friends' thoughts but nah...am still doubting. Am confused...confused...and confused!

I am afraid that my decision will end up to the same exact thing I've encountered during my last employment. Just a quick walk on memory lane: My second job, before I signed up with them, I also had the same situation that I am within right now. Job offer from the food and wellness versus the offer from a construction firm: I agreed with the food and wellness. Moreover, after signing with the food and wellness, the thoughts of what ifs came to my mind. It haunted me almost everyday that resulted to my resignation, not good, career suicide! So there, due to that, now am afraid to choose...

Tsk,tsk...been thinking on what to do the whole day and I haven't come near to any yet...Oh my...what to do???

Is someone reading this blog of mine?

Just wondering...is someone actually reading these pages of mine??? There are profile views, moreover, are there readers???

death

People live, then die...we are born, be a kid, a teen, then old...lucky you if you are to reach super old with good strength...more or less, you and me need to die.

Am not a fan of death..who else does? I mean, back then, when am hurt or depressed, I kinda would want to die (emo days), moreover, facing continuous deaths in our family (yes, right..CONTINUOUS!) I can't help but ask, "WHY?" Why them? Why now? Why almost every month I have to say goodbye to my relatives?

I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to be mad but I can't blame God: Let His will be done right? And who am I ask to question His will? I guess I should be numb, which would be unfair...

I am bruised, cut...I am in pain. I need some answers...

Yes

Been hammering myself that I should be this and that: I want to be the bread winner, my parents proud of me, establish my own name, be different from other, and etc. I became ambitious...monster ambitious!

I resigned from my previous works thinking that I can do better (4 resignations in 2011): career suicide it is.
I spend so much than is what worth of me: I have credits that are still unpaid up to date and it is depressing.
I pretended that I am okay though deep down I am bleeding.
Played with emotions; manipulated people so I can gain from them, so evil of me.

My life seriously been a roller coaster ride for these past few months or should I say, since after graduation. They say that to have a dream is good; "Dreams within our heart will guide and inspire us." Moreover, I miss-interpreted it and made my dreams to control me and not the other way around. I changed a lot. Jessie became the worst of herself and I hated myself for that.

Sleepless nights, months of wandering around, and drinking. I have no one to turn too. Or should I say, I didn't allow any one to save me from my miseries. I was blinded by my ambitions and it ate me alive.

I became weak. Baby like that needs to be cuddled and assured that everything will be alright. My family was puzzled and shocked when they saw me cry. Everyone thought that I am strong as steel, but I am not. All the dreams that didn't came to reality, the pressure to be the Jessie that I wanted to be and the incidents (Someone was shot and killed right in front of me, 3 deaths in our family this 2011 and seeing my Aunt battling with cancer everyday) that slapped the hell out of me came crashing without anything to shield me.

I was asked, not only once, "What happened to you? You were fun back then and now...?" My answer, SHIT HAPPENS, LIFE HAPPEN! WRONG! Should have been, SHIT HAPPENS, JESSIE HAPPEN!

Now, am starting a new. I want to be redirected. How? I don’t know…All I know now is I am giving everything up to God. I am tired of planning my life. I guess it is about time that I let God’s plan be done and me just to be and play on it. It is time for me to give in and swallow my pride.

“Tired but not giving up...Everything happens for a reason and surely, God will always provide! :))”

Dead Air

‎I hear myself crying, yet no tears are falling...Am I still human or just pretending to be one??? Am screaming loud and wild, WHY, WHY, WHY???!!!

Seems like forever since my last blog...lot had happened...politics,gadgets,personal life etc..funny how the world evolved this past few months...and it happen so freaking fast :))

I turned 21which is a pain for me..am growing old haha.noynoy still a stupid puppet on his seat..bin ladden is dead, good job obama..and ipad2 is now out in the market...woooWww

anyhow,first things first...i have a new job..am not head over heels about it.idk..am not that psych given that i'll be leaving my first company and my family in cts. Ironic it is cause for this past months am cursing my stand with cts and now that am free and with a new company, am now doubting the decision and career move i had made. How hard it is to start over again. What if am not good with this new path of mine? What if my new officemates wouldn't be my buddies as what i have created with cts? Now am really hating cts for placing me to this course. Am most willing to stay with you guys...all am asking is a fair compensation and you can't give it. I hate you for letting me go :((

to be continued...e

LBM

LBM = Looking for better management...

I love my company, i super do. My officemates are my family here yet it is not enough for me to stay..it's time to go... it took me sometime to decide on which is which...am not good at goodbyes...

my company sucks! and i know they know it yet they didn't do anything to improve their shits... hayst

job hunting, goodluck! :)