Same time last year, I have prayed for someone to come to my life...
I've never been to a relationship for quite sometime. Honestly, I couldn't even remember the feeling of being loved---not of course the parental and friendship love but the love coming from another gender. I miss the feeling of holding someone's hand, going out on a date and cuddling that as if there's no tomorrow.
I've masked myself with the thought that guys will be guys---pigs, and they will just play along. And that guys will be better off as my buddies. For years I've been numb but with the sense of longing and thinking the what ifs. Irony of being a girl; tried to pretend that I hated to be in a relationship but deep down inside, I wanted to be part of such real bad.
Moving on, so there am I, trapped with my own ambiguity. Then it happened...
Because of my search of independence, I've decided to leave Phils and worked overseas. During the 6 months of my stay in Bahrain, routine will be just of work and home and church. No other social life than my co-workers and flatmates. I am shelled at Flat 21: parties at home, cutting of hair at home and so on and so forth...all at home. Then I've resigned and got a new job and the experiment happened.
My colleagues pushed me to date. They say am still young so better explore ,my horizons. And as a good kid, I did. I've dated...everyday am dating. For the next months, lunches and dinners to restaurant with strangers. Different nationalities I've dated: from American to German, to Russian to Pakistan and then to Indian and whatever nationality there will be.
With the series of dating, all actually did me only one good---having a full stomach from free dinners or lunches :) Nothing clique for a possible good relationship. There are two who seemed good, but after months, again my piggy thinking of boys sealed it.
So I got tired and hopeless that there will be a good fish in the water. I returned back to the thing I know would give me what I wanted; prayer.
I prayed every night to God that please, please, send someone I can be with. Send someone I can be mine and mine as his. Send someone oh God I beg as i badly needed to have someone by my side...please, please... Am in great despair.
--------
to be continued
I've never been to a relationship for quite sometime. Honestly, I couldn't even remember the feeling of being loved---not of course the parental and friendship love but the love coming from another gender. I miss the feeling of holding someone's hand, going out on a date and cuddling that as if there's no tomorrow.
I've masked myself with the thought that guys will be guys---pigs, and they will just play along. And that guys will be better off as my buddies. For years I've been numb but with the sense of longing and thinking the what ifs. Irony of being a girl; tried to pretend that I hated to be in a relationship but deep down inside, I wanted to be part of such real bad.
Moving on, so there am I, trapped with my own ambiguity. Then it happened...
Because of my search of independence, I've decided to leave Phils and worked overseas. During the 6 months of my stay in Bahrain, routine will be just of work and home and church. No other social life than my co-workers and flatmates. I am shelled at Flat 21: parties at home, cutting of hair at home and so on and so forth...all at home. Then I've resigned and got a new job and the experiment happened.
My colleagues pushed me to date. They say am still young so better explore ,my horizons. And as a good kid, I did. I've dated...everyday am dating. For the next months, lunches and dinners to restaurant with strangers. Different nationalities I've dated: from American to German, to Russian to Pakistan and then to Indian and whatever nationality there will be.
With the series of dating, all actually did me only one good---having a full stomach from free dinners or lunches :) Nothing clique for a possible good relationship. There are two who seemed good, but after months, again my piggy thinking of boys sealed it.
So I got tired and hopeless that there will be a good fish in the water. I returned back to the thing I know would give me what I wanted; prayer.
I prayed every night to God that please, please, send someone I can be with. Send someone I can be mine and mine as his. Send someone oh God I beg as i badly needed to have someone by my side...please, please... Am in great despair.
--------
to be continued
No comments:
Post a Comment