To my Future Daughter

Dear Future Headache,

I am sorry. You came unplanned and yes I am damned surprised. I wasn’t “that happy” when i saw the positive lines to those PT tests (i did thrice thinking the first and second was an error), but I wasn’t also sad. Deep inside I know I want to have a mini me, it is just you came two years earlier than of my plan. I am sorry if you ever felt you are unwanted...Your mom is just crazy and don’t know what feelings to have. 

I am sorry I smoked “my last puff” while waiting for the blood test (to confirm 200% that you are really here). The moment I got the lab results tho, never I dared to look and touch a cigarette again. It is so difficult not to have a decent withdrawal period but, your health matters more to me. (Takot ko lang na maging ngo-ngo ka 😂)

I am sorry that I didn’t emotionally attached myself immediately to you. During the first doctor visit, she said that there’s a possibility that your heartbeat will not develop: I had an alcoholic, smoking spree and adventurous month during your first weeks. (You are with me in Egypt—smoking, drinking, and climbing the pyramids. Went to Philippines- hanged out with your Ninongs and ninangs and yes, non-stop alcohol and nicotine. Lastly, in Dubai, while your Ninangs and I slide our asses not once but twice and non-stop in Lego land and drunk 2 boxes of Heineken beers in just two nights 🤦🏼‍♀️)

I avoided thinking I am pregnant and just continued with my day to day even people saying to me, “start talking to it, naririnig ka na nya.” I am afraid to fall in love with you, and the latter, i expected the worst and you will leave me just like that. 

But weeks have passed and here you are. Strong as F and giving Nanay a hard time carrying you 😂 Cramps, sleepless nights... me not able to eat and enjoy meals. (I lost 8kgs already— you are dieting me😬)

You made me an emotional freak; crying over petty stuffs. EG: I cried over a fish that ain’t looking as exactly the menu picture. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I sobbed for almost 30mins when I read the message that your Nanay Tinz can’t accompany me to your scan. I obsessed myself looking at your Kuya Liam’s pictures and videos (Thank you Mamamanager for your IG posts that i stalk everyday) 🙄Nagged your Ninang Diana for mandatory talks every day (oh well, i know she loves talking to me too so all is fair) 😂I became crazier than ever 🤣

Tons have changed since I saw those two lines. One thing is for sure tho, i love you more, and more each day. I will sacrifice my world and others too (collateral damage 🤭) just to give you the best of the world.

I am afraid not to be a great mom. I am afraid that when you grow up you will be hating me. (Our Zodiac sign btw contradicts each other 😱) I am afraid I will not be enough to fulfill your future potential.

I know I will be a stage mom. For that, I apologize. Know that from this moment on, there will be a pressure on your shoulder— I hope and pray that you be the one to accomplish Nanay’s dream: ATTY before your name 😬🤭. But if in case not, still I will love you unconditionally. But please, just don’t be a damn ass 😂😅 worst, a blondie stupid one😣

Your dad wants you to learn German. I want Mandarin. (So basically we will force you to know 5 languages- English, Filipino, Romanian, German and Mandarin) 😏 He wants you to do fencing, and me archery. He wants you to play the violin and Nanay wants harp. Too much things we want for you. Please don’t kill us later on 🤓😛 Again, sorry in advance.

I can’t wait to see you. I am excited to hug and kiss you 😘 Surely we will shower you with much love and affection and you will vomit from all of it 🤮🙇🏻‍♀️ Please don’t get tired of me as my world revolves around you now. I will be protective of you— ensuring 99.9% of safeguarding 😬.

I love you little one. You are the best thing that happened to me. You are my happiness in the dawn. 

P.S.: Love me back and stop making me suffer 😂😂😂

Your daddy can’t write his own message so here’s the screenshot of what he wants to say:

When you Hit Rock Bottom Shit

*Found this on my notes. Last year is really rock bottom shit for me. 2017 kicked me multiple times and in all aspect of my life.

At 27, I lost my job. Whose fault it is? Mine. Ignorant decision making, trusted wrong people, outburst of emotion and of course, ego. I am wrong yet, i stand not to be corrected; to shamed to admit it. Am i a bad ass? Nope! I am stupid and now I am walking to the consequences—

Last two weeks til’ this date, i can’t sleep properly. I will wake up every hour and frustrated to check my e-mails to see if one company replies to my sent work intent. But there is none. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster ride; every time the clock hits 3pm, it is already a disappointment. (Office hours are done, so, no can do for a job offer call) My phone now is always at loud, hoping someone will give me a ring—

I avoided and avoiding people. I received messages and just ignores it. In times like this, I’ve realized that people aren’t actually concern with you but, rather, would like to get “news” which they can spread out through the community. As if I am a fuckin’ celebrity and my professional heartbreak is a front page full coloured print out tabloid worthy.

I went to numerous interviews. Talking non-stop; trying to impress people but controlling myself not to beg for a job. Expensive day to day. Uber here, Bahrain taxi there. It is just exhausting and yes, still after some time, I am empty handed. No job offer.

I try to plan things. Option after option. What will be next for me? What will bring back my angst just to be me, again. I am a warrior and tried to live as such as one. Tough me, i am the boss for long and never will i allow it to be lowered.

My standard of life. My professional ethique. What will be next now?

Short Term Eye for Success- Job Hopper Me

During my first year of employment, I attended tons of interviews— actively searching for a “change”. One of the HR guy questioned me and it absolutely marked: “How do you see yourself 5 years from now in the company?” My answer, a long pause and an awkward smile. My thought is, never to stay to a company that long. It will be dreadful to do same stuffs over and over thru the years.

Years had passed and still the same perspective i have. I can’t last that long to a job. My maximum employment history is of 2 years and 5 months. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?

I get bored easily. I always crave for what’s next and for more challenges. I hate routine and i am uncomfortable being mandated by the norms.

I don’t have retirement plans. I live only by the moment and that moment is to satisfy my urge for further success; professional labels and nothing else.

Is it wrong? Yes, I admit. I guess it is a “millenial” thing that I am brought up with the mentality of I can do and be anything I want hence, I always keep testing my waters. It is not easy but, as weird as it is, I am satisfied.

Funny that people all over recognizes me from “somewhere” just because I have worked almost “everywhere”. 

One company to the other; grade levels up and down. There will be no stability yet, there is fondness with it. Why am I patronizing this mentality? 

I am just laughing with my own stupidness. 

Don’t be like me. Don’t be like Jessie 😂 

And yes, right now, after 4 months of being employed by my current company, I am planning on resigning 🤨🤨🤨. 

Welcome Back to Me!

I started this blog when I was in college. And, looking back to all my posts, I can really say that man, I got a tough and stupid life back then. (smh😑) Seriously, all about frustrations, heart breaks, emotional dilemmas and so on and so forth. I wonder why I didn't end up crazy with all those shits? haha.

Anyhow, fast forward to year 2017, I guess I am a little more mature (hell yeah) and have a stronger perspective about life, career, love and whatever factor there is in my life. With all that said, I am claiming again this page. I will be updating it from time to time and hopefully will be able to write and share more useful and witty thoughts about anything under the sun.

To my readers (haha assuming me--- I know you are still out there). Please don't give up on me. I know I've been AWOL for the past years (but the stats says people are still checking this page! Yay!) Let's explore the world together and share the joyous life of writing :)

And oh, I am still in the process of editing my page. So, pardon the lay-out and awful colors (the before page is childish, I know!) Just hang in there, I promise, it will be good.

Cigarette

Cigarette, a stick which consist nicotine, carbon monoxide, acrolein and etc. For non-smokers, it is simply an annoying item that produces awful smoke that may harm their health. For smokers (am a member of the club), a substance that makes us relax, entertained and let us not think shits for few minutes.

Smoking cigar has been long part of human history. Since its invention on the 9th century, people seems to be addicted to it. There are huge markets of cigarettes; may it be from the 3rd world, class up to the finest societies there are. Monopolies left and right; ruling the society not to ban such product even though its campaigns airs that it is injurious to health.

So what do we, I, gain from smoking? See, before, I also hated smoking and smokers. I tried it before, during my high school days due to peer pressure but never I got hooked to it. It is disgusting for me. I am actually irritated by those individuals that smokes and one way or the other, I uttered judgment to them (not knowing soon I will be puffing also). Years passed, college came then during my first years as a young professional; parties, meetings and all, still, I didn't smoked---at all. I will just grab a stick and smell it; no lighting it up. I am contented.

Fast forward, I worked to health and wellness company and irony it is, everyone smokes. Meetings will be done on the smoking area. The executives will discuss stuffs to you at the smoking area. If I pass one smoke invite, I will loose business essentials. So there I was, forced to smoke just to be efficient with work. And as they say, the rest is history.

From 2 sticks a day to come 5 and then more when I am drinking; bunch more if restless days comes.

*** OMG. I actually don't know how to continue this one. After almost two years, only now I've logged back :) Oh well, anyhow, will still just post it. haha

LOVE

Mind over Matter --- Fails when your Heart is Stupid. This is something I couldn't argue more with. Everyone of us, in some point in our life, our heart, though not as intelligent enough, won over our rational and logical mind. We, I, became stupid myself. Stupid enough that I ask, "How dumber more it will get?"

I don't know if love should be considered a gift at this point in my life. More like, it is a curse where I hurt myself deeper and deeper. The more I care, the more I will be wounded. The more shit I try to take, the crappier the outcome will be. It is the total opposite of the fairy tales I grew up with.

They say, if you are hurt, it is not love; what is it then? If love doesn't require to be hurt, then why millions of people cry over it? Is it all along that everyone's concept of love is wrong? What is true love then? What is the kind of love that wouldn't allow any tears (hurt per se)?

I mean, God loves us. He sacrificed His Son, Jesus, to save humanity. In such, I therefore assumed, He is hurt by what He did. So in that instance, is it love or not? When my parents disciplined us when we were kids, they physically and verbally hurt us. Does it mean they didn't love me? When my friends do stupid things and ended up me being hurt, does it also mean our relationship is not based on love or there is no love at all?

How do we decode love and not ending to be nuisance about everything? 

Fuck Philippine Customs

Why do you need to open our Balikbayan boxes? Such a shame that you guys doesn't have your own X-Ray machines to do the scannings (i don't know kung meron bang available and kung meron man, inadmit nyo na na hindi ito reliable), that's why, you are letting the fuck*ng corrupts to touch and handle the items that OFWs worked hard for. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo! Wawasakin nyo ung box, bubulatlatin niyo, tapos may mga mawawalang gamit. E di wow! Kayo na ang gobyerno!

If something/s wrong with any of the boxes, don't you think it is more ethical to call the owner and discuss it to them first rather than ransacking directly their balikbayan boxes?
Wala ba kayong mas advance na way para makita ang mga laman ng mga boxes kesa babuyin niyo? Ang daming isyu sa customs; ang daming buwaya. Minsan bubuksan mga boxes kahit wala namang isyu. Ang daming mawawala na mga gamit---madalas signatured brands pa kinukuha.
Some OFWs are abusing the priviledge na walang taxes ang pagpapadala kaya dinadamihan pero, di pa ba sapat ung pera na pinapadala namin sa mga pamilya namin sa pinas na meron ding kaltas para sa gobyerno para pagbigyan o palampasin naman ung mga regalo na from abroad with love na binili?
Mas mura mamili sa ibang bansa, no doubt dahil hindi gahaman mga gobyerno nila sa sandamakmak na patong ng taxes. Ok lang naman na magbayad kami ng taxes, basta may nakikitang patutunguhan. Bagsak na nga ekonomiya, kagaling niyo pa mambwisit. Kayo na talaga Da Best!
Kesa mga small time na balikbayan boxes pinagtritripan nyo, try nyo kaya ung mga big time na smugglers? Oh shit, i forgot, mas malaki nga pala silang maglagay ng under the table kesa sa mga OFW na kagaya namin! Nakakahiya talaga sa inyo! Pesteng mga buwakaw na buwaya kayo!

My Horrible Bosses

I am an employee for 5 years now and through out those years, I have been jumping from one work to the other. People tell me that there's no perfect working place, more so, find something that is of worth doing. At some point I've done things that I actually thought was at my league. I had fun from those days and that, nevertheless, I ended up resigning. Why? Because of--- Horrible Boss(es).

What's a horrible boss as per (me), employee's point of view?

1.  Someone who doesn't give a Fuck Boss- All of us prepares ourselves to come to work. Waking up early, having a good breakfast, dressing up what we think best fits our aura for the day and hurried ourselves so to be on the dot to report. But, as the moment I arrived, there he is, my dearly beloved boss who doesn't have a single "Good" in his morning. Face crumpled and arms crossed---immediately asking, "Have you finished this and that?" I need it now." --- Asshole. A simple greeting wouldn't hurt or at least give me 5 mins to settle down to my table before you ask for the project which supposedly yours but you assigned to me.
2. The "I don't believe you Boss"- Rainy season it is and as everyone experienced, rain means flooding and jam packed roads. I readied myself for a world war 3 from my condo to work. Excruciating 2 hours travel it is and I arrived 15 mins late. And there it goes, the litany of that bitch about being a professional. Okay, agreed. I should've not been late. I knew that rain would be there so I should've hit the road earlier than usual. The next day (cause of the rain and I cruised the flood), I was sick. I called and e-mailed the bitch about my day status and instead of showing affection, she replied, "Another excuse. I also experienced the same yesterday and I am well." So I just messaged back, "Am glad you are well. As per me, I am currently being examined for possible leptospirosis." I am human, not a robot. Everyone gets sick and that is the day for me. Who wants to be sick? I don't want...aside from work which is filed- up, a day's deduction from my salary and allowance will be made. Who will be happy with that?
3. No Vacation / Holiday allowed Boss- No explanation needed for this kind of boss. He is the Christmas Grinch; the one who doesn't celebrate anything. It is just about work, work, work and no pleasure. You already left work but he will constantly call you and be asking for an "update" about work status. If only I have no respect, I would've said, "Work is fine as I left it nicely on my desk. I am constipated right now due to non-stop eating and drinking. Cheers! Get a life!."
4. The Digit Conscious Boss- The one whose happiness is if only the productivity/ sales figures are good. If not, you are nothing. Today he would clap for you, the next, he will be treating you like an imbecile. Push more...push more!---The F, next push more and I will be seriously punching you! Have you ever asked how am I doing? Like in the last months I, my team, have been spending god knows how many hours just to achieve the target/s? Have you ever considered our current state? I am, we are, almost zombie like and, all you think of are those numbers. Then the jack-ass, when I cried, told me, "Your over times are being paid so what's your issue?" Here's the money, shove it to your ass and be happy!
5. The Stalking your Profile (FB, Twitter, Instagram) / Personal Life Boss- So social networks are made to socialize and being part of the new generation, more or less, all things are posted in my profile. I don't know with others, but for me, yes it is. So there...after I posted any fun status(es), the next morning I am caught with an awkward informal coffee session with my lame boss saying blahs and blahs. My professional life is far different from my social life. If you see me posting alcohol and others does not mean I will be coming to work drunk and messed up. As long as my work is not being jeopardized, why be bothered about the things that I do? If you are affected much, then don't follow me--- I un-friend and blocked him once and I received a query on why I did such. Weirdo.
6. The Boss who wants his Ass to be Kissed and Licked, ALL THE TIME- Yes sir, I, we know, you are in your position right now because you have excelled in some ways that I, us, couldn't do (at this moment). Please don't train me to be someone I am not. Rate me as per my performance and not as how I treat you with words that we both know are just to fool and satisfy you. I will not pretend and laugh at your stupid jokes. I will not say I agree with your demeaning policy/s. I don't like you as a person but I need to deal with you at work; That's it. I rejected attending your parties cause' I know it would just be about you all night. I couldn't stand that. I couldn't be a leech... I just cannot.
7. The I am Perfect Boss and Embracing All the Credit- She is the bitch that doesn't need the opinion/s of her team but is transferring all the work loads to them and taking the credit for all. She gathered everyone for a briefing, mentioned how difficult the task was. One by one, everyone suggested what needs to be done--- where in between the talks she inserted how good she is and from what school she finished courses and how such she is an achiever. The supposed 30mins turned out 4 hours. Thank you so much for wasting our time. During the project run, she has been out from time to time and all are left to us. But when deadline comes, she is like the glorious queen. She did most of the work she says. Okay fine, a round of applause to you miss bitch.

    More years for me to work before I could be a "boss" so I guess there will still be add-on to herein list :) To be continued...

And again it happened...

Same time last year, I have prayed for someone to come to my life...

I've never been to a relationship for quite sometime. Honestly, I couldn't even remember the feeling of being loved---not of course the parental and friendship love but the love coming from another gender. I miss the feeling of holding someone's hand,  going out on a date and cuddling that as if there's no tomorrow.

I've masked myself with the thought that guys will be guys---pigs, and they will just play along. And that guys will be better off as my buddies. For years I've been numb but with the sense of longing and thinking the what ifs. Irony of being a girl; tried to pretend that I hated to be in a relationship but deep down inside, I wanted to be part of such real bad.

Moving on, so there am I, trapped with my own ambiguity. Then it happened...

Because of my search of independence, I've decided to leave Phils and worked overseas. During the 6 months of my stay in Bahrain, routine will be just of work and home and church. No other social life than my co-workers and flatmates. I am shelled at Flat 21: parties at home, cutting of hair at home and so on and so forth...all at home. Then I've resigned and got a new job and the experiment happened.

My colleagues pushed me to date. They say am still young so better explore ,my horizons. And as a good kid, I did. I've dated...everyday am dating. For the next months, lunches and dinners to restaurant with strangers. Different nationalities I've dated: from American to German, to Russian to Pakistan and then to Indian and whatever nationality there will be.

With the series of dating, all actually did me only one good---having a full stomach from free dinners or lunches :) Nothing clique for a possible good relationship. There are two who seemed good, but after months, again my piggy thinking of boys sealed it.

So I got tired and hopeless that there will be a good fish in the water. I returned back to the thing I know would give me what I wanted; prayer.

I prayed every night to God that please, please, send someone I can be with. Send someone I can be mine and mine as his. Send someone oh God I beg as i badly needed to have someone by my side...please, please... Am in great despair.

--------
to be continued

Quarter Life Crisis

You are young and working; dynamic and bubbly. Free spirited and full of hopes more so, when the dawn comes, you started asking yourself, is this the extent you want to claim?

You receive salary every month from a position that is fare enough at your age; you roam around and is deployed overseas. You own all the time in the world and independence is at your feet but the question is, is it all worth it?

fairytale no-no

Life ain't a fairytale...in such, don't expect to be treated as a princess.

There's no real prince nor king who will come and save you...no knight in shining armor to defend you and there's no one who will be willing to die for you.

Life is a bitch and so are you---and from there, your day to day will change from dreamland to reality. You expect for too much, moreover, in the end, all are just a game and you are the trying hard player who will not manage to score.

Flowers wilting,  chocolates melting...the sweet and sour part of the you thought relationship but just a plain fling. You are stupid and dumb and yet you still hope, magic will turn everything around.

Dumbidumbidumbidum...

Something's Wrong

For years I am numb. There's a story behind it...The pain I've been through caused this wall of not entertaining the so called, love.

 Am I happy? Yes...for quite sometime...I've enjoyed knocking down each and every opportunity of actually falling to something---to someone...but lately I've wondered...

There are the what ifs and the why not...and I actually entertained the concept again of letting someone in with my life...

But the joke was on me...sad to admit...I no longer know how to manage...to control this emotion of mine.

I expect---too much. I want to cling which is becoming annoying. I am irritated already to what I have become. What's wrong with me?

 I want to please but then I couldn't.  I became a monster of craving for attention.

 Guess am asking for too much. I kept on saying that life's a bitch but moreover, I can't afford to deal with it. Sigh...just sigh. 

It isn't Christmas, yet am asking for Santa

I just want to be someone's princess. :( I am tired of hoping and exploring. The dating  game is becoming over rated and killing my sense of reality little by little. I no longer want to expect yet, am still aiming.

When you will come? My patience is really being tested.

I have dated a lot lately, and seriously, all failed---on a drastic sense of level. The ones I liked (initial like) would end up not calling back or be out of the country for long. And for others, after the second date, their dicks are talking than their heads.

I came to ask myself, do I need to change myself just to be with someone or the other way around?

I know love shouldn't be rushed moreover, I just need someone whom I can be with...Right here and right now.

I am craving for cuddles and not fucking. I want someone who will kiss me in my forehead than having that tounge French fighting. Someone who will I enjoy movie and pig out with. Whom I will no need to worry to get tipsy and drunk because I know he cares and he is there to carry me through the night.

Am I asking for too much???

pusong nga-nga :)

Ung tipong wala ka namang karapatan, nagdradrama ka ng walang humpay...nakakabwisit lang kasing isipin na kahit kailan hindi ka magiging akin. Walang tayo, hindi pwedeng maging tayo kahit patay na patay ako sa'yo :) hahayst. Nga-nga to the nth time na lang.

Hindi talaga ako swerte pagdating sa relasyon. Kaboom!

dating game

*am tipsy while doing this one so pardon the misspellings and also the bitchiness*

So, for this past weeks am being involved to this dating scene...different nationalities and what nots...am in Bahrain...it is part of the expatriate world...

Moving on, I have met a lot...I've dated an Egyptian actor, a half Russian, half Jordan hotelier, Irish human resource expert and then a Persian sky king... all are fun, they are very creative actually when it comes to dating. Nonetheless, they aren't the guy, moreover, the man am looking for (oh well, the Russian got me head over heels though)

Anyhow, I must admit, I've lowered my specs by doing such...who does too much dates in a week???

I am bored and trying to experiment my horizons...actually testing my confidence if I can do it...

Too much drama actually...cause as I've said, those are my first ambiguous dates...

They are all gentle men but also, they are all players...I just simply know.

It saddens me that I have to go this far just to meet that fucking one...how pathetic really?

*to be continued because now am not just tipsy but drunk  :) hoho*

Lesson learned: Not everything you wanted may be given to you. Dreams are dreams and reality sucks and better deal with it :)

Not my Guy

It is what he has done and how he made me special that pains me. He is the only guy who had treated me as a princess and at the same time allowed me to loosen up.

For years I've been looking for that someone who could make me head over heels...and he did, moreover, he turned my whole world upside done.

Now, what saddens me is the fact that he could never be mine. That one night was special and that's the end of it. No more, no less...

He will just be part of the past, a good memory...the guy wearing a suit and driving a red sports car :)

23 and NOT a MILLIONAIRE

I have this thing when am still at college, almost telling everyone, and confidently bragging... WHEN I TURN 23, I'LL BE HOLDING MY FIRST MILLION!!!

Time check or year and day check, it is 2013 and it is the 3rd day of March...I am born March 22, 1990 which only means, in 20 days, this ideal would come to life or it would be a serious epic fail.

A lil' history, this thought or aim of mine to have a million when I turn to a certain age started when VMG (my multimillionaire Aunt) told me on how she had achieved her million and continued it to her current millions. Boastful I am, I've told her that she spent her life in such a waste because she reached her first 7 digits when she was at her 30s and I proudly stated that for me, it would be on the age of Two and Three, 23.

Moving forward, when I graduated, I was hired by a starting BPO company. The compensation is above the minimum and I was actually having fun at work. I was constantly being recognized by the superiors because I work fast and accurate. Received high notes and respect from my co-associates that led me to do the quality assurance for the team. A year had passed and I got bored. Issues started kicking in and it ruled me. I resigned. I became mad. I started questioning myself, "WHAT'S GONNA BE NEXT FOR ME???"

Second job, under the food and wellness...One of the best, or should I say the greatest to its field... A multinational company. This is the life! The office, the meetings, the trainings, the food, the people, the hotel, the ethics and professionalism. The perfect package for working. What else could I ask for?

I got overwhelmed, started to feel insecure, doubted myself and then, I fell in love with my boss. And so, I resigned.

My bank account from okay fell into bankruptcy. I was stressed and all over the place. I've tried to find a job, luckily I am always hired but crazy me, I didn't came to any of the first days. I went back and forth...from my home town to the capital city. Joined my relatives out of town trips and so on and so forth. I've excused myself to the professional world for almost a year then it hit me... I can no longer ask for money to my parents. My pride is starting to show itself again.

Checked online jobs, nothing really interested me. One day, got a spam mail from an agency, saying "Opportunity Overseas" Why not? Jotted down the address, went back to the Metro and did a walked-in. I didn't have any valuable papers with me so I hurried to gather my documents and filed it back to them. Got interviewed on the spot and they've told me to come back the next Sunday for the Manager's Interview.

And so I came back, got interviewed and hired the same day. The work is so out of my expertise and the salary package isn't high. It was dreadful. Nonetheless, I signed and agreed with it. Why? I also don't know. It's just that, at that moment, that time the Manager handed me the pen to sign the contract, I felt alive. Over exaggeration may it sound but, I felt that I was reborn...professionally.

Maybe it is the thought of working overseas. Seeing new place...dealing with new people...new environment...an escape to the life that isn't pleasing me.

When I told my parents and relatives that I was hired and psyched about it (lying to them about the post and salary), they aren't as excited as I am. Nothing special, "It's up to you" scenario...So for days I was savoring the OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) soon to be drama that I have. I even have this skit on how and when to tell my friends about it. Am I gonna cry or am just gonna be smiling and be hopeful for the newest adventure of mine? Weird me :)

Days passed and then I've got a call from our family friend. He was offering me a post...a post under a government agency. The same government agency that my family members are doing business with. How balony? Now I know, they didn't want me to go, the "It's up to you" is just a lie. They've planned to stop me and I've started hating them for doing such. I was cursing them.

I didn't want to go on that first day but they were saying, it would be such a shame if I wouldn't come because they've talked to who's who are and then this and thats. So, just to satisfy them, I came with a sad heart. I am not happy. I didn't like the office, my space of work, the people, the over all ambiance of the place. I cried and cried and continued to hate them for bringing me to that place.

Anyhow, as I literally dragged myself to work, unconsciously, I've started appreciating my workmates, followed by the work place and the others. I started to smile and get along with everyone. Though at some point, I've heard not so good things about how I've gotten the post, I've started to deal with all the what nots.

Months passed but though am working and enjoying the salary, I"ve been secretly fixing my documents for the overseas job.

I received a call about my Visa and the scheduled flight. It is only then I've told everyone about my ninja moves. They no longer have a choice because it's already done. I've resigned for the third time.

Arrived to a foreign land and started working. It was all vague to me. The days I've spent here are the ultimate test of survival. The roller coaster life description could never match the things I've been through and experienced. All are firsts to me...all are such pains to my ass.

Why I didn't listen to my parents when they've tried to stopped me? Why, why, why? But what is done is done and am already here. At least, now I know my extent.

I've ate and been eating the foods that I didn't entertain back then... Am doing things am not used to do... Am living the life that is so far different from the real life I imagined and dream of having. I've cried blood just to survive and my priceless possession had been the cans of sausages and sardines.

The twist of faith, the twist of my life.

Now, to my upcoming birthday, this what had happen to me...a total mess in my career, a cancer to my pocket. I am broke. I didn't have enough...I am asking for alms.

Is it worth it? For life experience, yes I can agree it is. But in other aspects, I am such an idiot for having such a dream and being disappointed by my own self.

Money can't buy happiness...this just for now, would be my motivation.

Happy 23rd birthday Jessie Neth Mendoza Bauto! Congratulations, you are not a millionaire! :)

OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) me.

Been six (6) months since I've left the Philippines to try my luck overseas. And so far, I am surviving. Yes, my term is surviving for because the last months been hard...so much like close to hell. (And yes I've been at hell once). Living here in Bahrain is so much different from the Philippines. Though this country is rich financially, it doesn't shelter my monetary needs and wants.

People back home thinks that am earning tons of money here but, seriously and with all honesty, they are wrong. What I am receiving nowadays is just enough to my day-to-day needs and most of the time, i need to do credit just to be satisfied. And the routine continues with expenses and borrowing and then paying and so on and so forth.

Whose to blame with all these? No one else than me, myself and I. I've signed to a position and to a contract that is lesser to what am supposed and capable to be. Why did I do what I did? Simple...I just want freedom. I want to test my waters without the shadow of my family and their influences. In here, no one can tell me to do this and be that nor to tell me to talk to this person to get this position and those works. Now I am independent...the real deal.

To be an OFW is hard. The fact that I am not in my own territory (country) is the first thing. Secondly, the professional ethics is so far different from ours. Third, their culture is ambiguous to me but am trying to learn and adjust. And most of all, I am away from home...my loved ones. The independence that I've wanted is equal to all these sacrifices.

Before (when am still not an OFW) I thought that what I saw in news and documentaries about OFWs are just exaggerations to touch the hearts of the audience. I was wrong. And now I've experienced it first hand.  Whatever it is captured by the media is real: The hardships, the tears, the trying to be okay everyday is the reality of every Filipino leaving my country. It is not easy and if you are weak, you'll lose your mind (and am actually in the edge of losing it)

I don't have other responsibilities aside from myself unlike the other OFWs. And for those, or mostly of the OFWs who does, I salute them. I salute them for being strong not for themselves moreover, for the families they need to support and feed in the Philippines. Yes the term "Bagong Bayani" is rightfully to be given to them 'cause what they did and doing are more than a heroic act.

***to be continued

Sin Tax Bill este Law sa Pinas

And so, the before bill now passed as a law in the Philippines, the Sin Tax Law.

The before cheap and affordable cigarettes and alcoholic beverages sky rocketed its price, nonetheless, I guess, the consumers, just like me wouldn't mine. I mean now, (that I am in Bahrain), I am paying Php 90 (converted already) for a pack of cigar and the 70 Php new Pinoy price wouldn't hurt.

Once a smoker, always a smoker...and once a drinker, it would just be it. May be not for a lifetime but, for a span of time. This new law perhaps would only lessen the daily dose of vices but never would it end the desire and that urge to buy... Don't judge me, am just telling the truth.

Getting back to the Sin Tax Law, these law as per those who authored it would add more to my dear country's wealth. Millions and even billions of peso to be generated from the additional taxes...sure does it will but, the question is, where would it go?

Allocation for health services and other government projects as what they say...and, and, and...and I hope it would really be going to that. For years and decades now our politicians have been passing bills that they've said would boost our economy, nonetheless, let's admit it, we still fall on the 3rd World category. But hey, all deserves a...tons of chances so, be it then!

May be this time it would really help...May be this law wouldn't only lessen the Filipino's consumption of what nots but really would embrace a greater future for all of us. :) Good luck to the Sin Tax Law!!!

Admitting it,,,

Life was perfect...then I've started to grow.

My craving for independence and meaning for everything created a hole to the perfectness I had and so now, all the inconsistencies freely roamed by being. Damaged am I today. How can this stop? How do I mend my broken pieces?

For years now, I am unsatisfied to almost everything that had crossed my path. I am being unfair with all...I am depriving myself to its real meaning; for my life to be happy.

I over dreamed, exaggerated the "REAL LIFE" deal. I am wrong, I admit, I really messed up. My superior evaluation of life now turned out to crab mentality, add up the paranoia and frustrations. I no longer know myself.

The supposed to be fun day-by-day of mine is now a stressful what's next drama. I am tired and exhausted. How can I have a break from all of these?

I've tried to escape, not just once but more than a million times yet, am still coming back to this crappy ride. Alcohol and tobacco do help me sometimes moreover, at the end of the day, it's all gonna be the same ambiguous being.

What really went wrong? I just couldn't identify it, better yet, couldn't face it! How am I gonna acknowledge the fact that I am a total failure now and I need to start from scratch again?