When you Hit Rock Bottom Shit

*Found this on my notes. Last year is really rock bottom shit for me. 2017 kicked me multiple times and in all aspect of my life.

At 27, I lost my job. Whose fault it is? Mine. Ignorant decision making, trusted wrong people, outburst of emotion and of course, ego. I am wrong yet, i stand not to be corrected; to shamed to admit it. Am i a bad ass? Nope! I am stupid and now I am walking to the consequences—

Last two weeks til’ this date, i can’t sleep properly. I will wake up every hour and frustrated to check my e-mails to see if one company replies to my sent work intent. But there is none. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster ride; every time the clock hits 3pm, it is already a disappointment. (Office hours are done, so, no can do for a job offer call) My phone now is always at loud, hoping someone will give me a ring—

I avoided and avoiding people. I received messages and just ignores it. In times like this, I’ve realized that people aren’t actually concern with you but, rather, would like to get “news” which they can spread out through the community. As if I am a fuckin’ celebrity and my professional heartbreak is a front page full coloured print out tabloid worthy.

I went to numerous interviews. Talking non-stop; trying to impress people but controlling myself not to beg for a job. Expensive day to day. Uber here, Bahrain taxi there. It is just exhausting and yes, still after some time, I am empty handed. No job offer.

I try to plan things. Option after option. What will be next for me? What will bring back my angst just to be me, again. I am a warrior and tried to live as such as one. Tough me, i am the boss for long and never will i allow it to be lowered.

My standard of life. My professional ethique. What will be next now?

Short Term Eye for Success- Job Hopper Me

During my first year of employment, I attended tons of interviews— actively searching for a “change”. One of the HR guy questioned me and it absolutely marked: “How do you see yourself 5 years from now in the company?” My answer, a long pause and an awkward smile. My thought is, never to stay to a company that long. It will be dreadful to do same stuffs over and over thru the years.

Years had passed and still the same perspective i have. I can’t last that long to a job. My maximum employment history is of 2 years and 5 months. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?

I get bored easily. I always crave for what’s next and for more challenges. I hate routine and i am uncomfortable being mandated by the norms.

I don’t have retirement plans. I live only by the moment and that moment is to satisfy my urge for further success; professional labels and nothing else.

Is it wrong? Yes, I admit. I guess it is a “millenial” thing that I am brought up with the mentality of I can do and be anything I want hence, I always keep testing my waters. It is not easy but, as weird as it is, I am satisfied.

Funny that people all over recognizes me from “somewhere” just because I have worked almost “everywhere”. 

One company to the other; grade levels up and down. There will be no stability yet, there is fondness with it. Why am I patronizing this mentality? 

I am just laughing with my own stupidness. 

Don’t be like me. Don’t be like Jessie 😂 

And yes, right now, after 4 months of being employed by my current company, I am planning on resigning 🤨🤨🤨.