Jessie's World

Jessie's World

Saturday, October 19, 2013

fairytale no-no

Life ain't a such, don't expect to be treated as a princess.

There's no real prince nor king who will come and save knight in shining armor to defend you and there's no one who will be willing to die for you.

Life is a bitch and so are you---and from there, your day to day will change from dreamland to reality. You expect for too much, moreover, in the end, all are just a game and you are the trying hard player who will not manage to score.

Flowers wilting,  chocolates melting...the sweet and sour part of the you thought relationship but just a plain fling. You are stupid and dumb and yet you still hope, magic will turn everything around.


Friday, May 31, 2013

Something's Wrong

For years I am numb. There's a story behind it...The pain I've been through caused this wall of not entertaining the so called, love.

 Am I happy? Yes...for quite sometime...I've enjoyed knocking down each and every opportunity of actually falling to something---to someone...but lately I've wondered...

There are the what ifs and the why not...and I actually entertained the concept again of letting someone in with my life...

But the joke was on me...sad to admit...I no longer know how to control this emotion of mine.

I expect---too much. I want to cling which is becoming annoying. I am irritated already to what I have become. What's wrong with me?

 I want to please but then I couldn't.  I became a monster of craving for attention.

 Guess am asking for too much. I kept on saying that life's a bitch but moreover, I can't afford to deal with it. Sigh...just sigh. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

It isn't Christmas, yet am asking for Santa

I just want to be someone's princess. :( I am tired of hoping and exploring. The dating  game is becoming over rated and killing my sense of reality little by little. I no longer want to expect yet, am still aiming.

When you will come? My patience is really being tested.

I have dated a lot lately, and seriously, all failed---on a drastic sense of level. The ones I liked (initial like) would end up not calling back or be out of the country for long. And for others, after the second date, their dicks are talking than their heads.

I came to ask myself, do I need to change myself just to be with someone or the other way around?

I know love shouldn't be rushed moreover, I just need someone whom I can be with...Right here and right now.

I am craving for cuddles and not fucking. I want someone who will kiss me in my forehead than having that tounge French fighting. Someone who will I enjoy movie and pig out with. Whom I will no need to worry to get tipsy and drunk because I know he cares and he is there to carry me through the night.

Am I asking for too much???

Friday, April 26, 2013

pusong nga-nga :)

Ung tipong wala ka namang karapatan, nagdradrama ka ng walang humpay...nakakabwisit lang kasing isipin na kahit kailan hindi ka magiging akin. Walang tayo, hindi pwedeng maging tayo kahit patay na patay ako sa'yo :) hahayst. Nga-nga to the nth time na lang.

Hindi talaga ako swerte pagdating sa relasyon. Kaboom!

Monday, April 15, 2013

dating game

*am tipsy while doing this one so pardon the misspellings and also the bitchiness*

So, for this past weeks am being involved to this dating scene...different nationalities and what in is part of the expatriate world...

Moving on, I have met a lot...I've dated an Egyptian actor, a half Russian, half Jordan hotelier, Irish human resource expert and then a Persian sky king... all are fun, they are very creative actually when it comes to dating. Nonetheless, they aren't the guy, moreover, the man am looking for (oh well, the Russian got me head over heels though)

Anyhow, I must admit, I've lowered my specs by doing such...who does too much dates in a week???

I am bored and trying to experiment my horizons...actually testing my confidence if I can do it...

Too much drama actually...cause as I've said, those are my first ambiguous dates...
They are all gentle men but also, they are all players...I just simply know.

It saddens me that I have to go this far just to meet that fucking pathetic really?

*to be continued because now am not just tipsy but drunk  :) hoho*

Lesson learned: Not everything you wanted may be given to you. Dreams are dreams and reality sucks and better deal with it :)

Friday, April 12, 2013

Not my Guy

It is what he has done and how he made me special that pains me. He is the only guy who had treated me as a princess and at the same time allowed me to loosen up.

For years I've been looking for that someone who could make me head over heels...and he did, moreover, he turned my whole world upside done.

Now, what saddens me is the fact that he could never be mine. That one night was special and that's the end of it. No more, no less...

He will just be part of the past, a good memory...the guy wearing a suit and driving a red sports car :)

Saturday, March 2, 2013


I have this thing when am still at college, almost telling everyone, and confidently bragging... WHEN I TURN 23, I'LL BE HOLDING MY FIRST MILLION!!!

Time check or year and day check, it is 2013 and it is the 3rd day of March...I am born March 22, 1990 which only means, in 20 days, this ideal would come to life or it would be a serious epic fail.

A lil' history, this thought or aim of mine to have a million when I turn to a certain age started when VMG (my multimillionaire Aunt) told me on how she had achieved her million and continued it to her current millions. Boastful I am, I've told her that she spent her life in such a waste because she reached her first 7 digits when she was at her 30s and I proudly stated that for me, it would be on the age of Two and Three, 23.

Moving forward, when I graduated, I was hired by a starting BPO company. The compensation is above the minimum and I was actually having fun at work. I was constantly being recognized by the superiors because I work fast and accurate. Received high notes and respect from my co-associates that led me to do the quality assurance for the team. A year had passed and I got bored. Issues started kicking in and it ruled me. I resigned. I became mad. I started questioning myself, "WHAT'S GONNA BE NEXT FOR ME???"

Second job, under the food and wellness...One of the best, or should I say the greatest to its field... A multinational company. This is the life! The office, the meetings, the trainings, the food, the people, the hotel, the ethics and professionalism. The perfect package for working. What else could I ask for?

I got overwhelmed, started to feel insecure, doubted myself and then, I fell in love with my boss. And so, I resigned.

My bank account from okay fell into bankruptcy. I was stressed and all over the place. I've tried to find a job, luckily I am always hired but crazy me, I didn't came to any of the first days. I went back and forth...from my home town to the capital city. Joined my relatives out of town trips and so on and so forth. I've excused myself to the professional world for almost a year then it hit me... I can no longer ask for money to my parents. My pride is starting to show itself again.

Checked online jobs, nothing really interested me. One day, got a spam mail from an agency, saying "Opportunity Overseas" Why not? Jotted down the address, went back to the Metro and did a walked-in. I didn't have any valuable papers with me so I hurried to gather my documents and filed it back to them. Got interviewed on the spot and they've told me to come back the next Sunday for the Manager's Interview.

And so I came back, got interviewed and hired the same day. The work is so out of my expertise and the salary package isn't high. It was dreadful. Nonetheless, I signed and agreed with it. Why? I also don't know. It's just that, at that moment, that time the Manager handed me the pen to sign the contract, I felt alive. Over exaggeration may it sound but, I felt that I was reborn...professionally.

Maybe it is the thought of working overseas. Seeing new place...dealing with new escape to the life that isn't pleasing me.

When I told my parents and relatives that I was hired and psyched about it (lying to them about the post and salary), they aren't as excited as I am. Nothing special, "It's up to you" scenario...So for days I was savoring the OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) soon to be drama that I have. I even have this skit on how and when to tell my friends about it. Am I gonna cry or am just gonna be smiling and be hopeful for the newest adventure of mine? Weird me :)

Days passed and then I've got a call from our family friend. He was offering me a post...a post under a government agency. The same government agency that my family members are doing business with. How balony? Now I know, they didn't want me to go, the "It's up to you" is just a lie. They've planned to stop me and I've started hating them for doing such. I was cursing them.

I didn't want to go on that first day but they were saying, it would be such a shame if I wouldn't come because they've talked to who's who are and then this and thats. So, just to satisfy them, I came with a sad heart. I am not happy. I didn't like the office, my space of work, the people, the over all ambiance of the place. I cried and cried and continued to hate them for bringing me to that place.

Anyhow, as I literally dragged myself to work, unconsciously, I've started appreciating my workmates, followed by the work place and the others. I started to smile and get along with everyone. Though at some point, I've heard not so good things about how I've gotten the post, I've started to deal with all the what nots.

Months passed but though am working and enjoying the salary, I"ve been secretly fixing my documents for the overseas job.

I received a call about my Visa and the scheduled flight. It is only then I've told everyone about my ninja moves. They no longer have a choice because it's already done. I've resigned for the third time.

Arrived to a foreign land and started working. It was all vague to me. The days I've spent here are the ultimate test of survival. The roller coaster life description could never match the things I've been through and experienced. All are firsts to me...all are such pains to my ass.

Why I didn't listen to my parents when they've tried to stopped me? Why, why, why? But what is done is done and am already here. At least, now I know my extent.

I've ate and been eating the foods that I didn't entertain back then... Am doing things am not used to do... Am living the life that is so far different from the real life I imagined and dream of having. I've cried blood just to survive and my priceless possession had been the cans of sausages and sardines.

The twist of faith, the twist of my life.

Now, to my upcoming birthday, this what had happen to me...a total mess in my career, a cancer to my pocket. I am broke. I didn't have enough...I am asking for alms.

Is it worth it? For life experience, yes I can agree it is. But in other aspects, I am such an idiot for having such a dream and being disappointed by my own self.

Money can't buy happiness...this just for now, would be my motivation.

Happy 23rd birthday Jessie Neth Mendoza Bauto! Congratulations, you are not a millionaire! :)

Friday, January 25, 2013

OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) me.

Been six (6) months since I've left the Philippines to try my luck overseas. And so far, I am surviving. Yes, my term is surviving for because the last months been much like close to hell. (And yes I've been at hell once). Living here in Bahrain is so much different from the Philippines. Though this country is rich financially, it doesn't shelter my monetary needs and wants.

People back home thinks that am earning tons of money here but, seriously and with all honesty, they are wrong. What I am receiving nowadays is just enough to my day-to-day needs and most of the time, i need to do credit just to be satisfied. And the routine continues with expenses and borrowing and then paying and so on and so forth.

Whose to blame with all these? No one else than me, myself and I. I've signed to a position and to a contract that is lesser to what am supposed and capable to be. Why did I do what I did? Simple...I just want freedom. I want to test my waters without the shadow of my family and their influences. In here, no one can tell me to do this and be that nor to tell me to talk to this person to get this position and those works. Now I am independent...the real deal.

To be an OFW is hard. The fact that I am not in my own territory (country) is the first thing. Secondly, the professional ethics is so far different from ours. Third, their culture is ambiguous to me but am trying to learn and adjust. And most of all, I am away from loved ones. The independence that I've wanted is equal to all these sacrifices.

Before (when am still not an OFW) I thought that what I saw in news and documentaries about OFWs are just exaggerations to touch the hearts of the audience. I was wrong. And now I've experienced it first hand.  Whatever it is captured by the media is real: The hardships, the tears, the trying to be okay everyday is the reality of every Filipino leaving my country. It is not easy and if you are weak, you'll lose your mind (and am actually in the edge of losing it)

I don't have other responsibilities aside from myself unlike the other OFWs. And for those, or mostly of the OFWs who does, I salute them. I salute them for being strong not for themselves moreover, for the families they need to support and feed in the Philippines. Yes the term "Bagong Bayani" is rightfully to be given to them 'cause what they did and doing are more than a heroic act.

***to be continued

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Sin Tax Bill este Law sa Pinas

And so, the before bill now passed as a law in the Philippines, the Sin Tax Law.

The before cheap and affordable cigarettes and alcoholic beverages sky rocketed its price, nonetheless, I guess, the consumers, just like me wouldn't mine. I mean now, (that I am in Bahrain), I am paying Php 90 (converted already) for a pack of cigar and the 70 Php new Pinoy price wouldn't hurt.

Once a smoker, always a smoker...and once a drinker, it would just be it. May be not for a lifetime but, for a span of time. This new law perhaps would only lessen the daily dose of vices but never would it end the desire and that urge to buy... Don't judge me, am just telling the truth.

Getting back to the Sin Tax Law, these law as per those who authored it would add more to my dear country's wealth. Millions and even billions of peso to be generated from the additional taxes...sure does it will but, the question is, where would it go?

Allocation for health services and other government projects as what they say...and, and, and...and I hope it would really be going to that. For years and decades now our politicians have been passing bills that they've said would boost our economy, nonetheless, let's admit it, we still fall on the 3rd World category. But hey, all deserves a...tons of chances so, be it then!

May be this time it would really help...May be this law wouldn't only lessen the Filipino's consumption of what nots but really would embrace a greater future for all of us. :) Good luck to the Sin Tax Law!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Admitting it,,,

Life was perfect...then I've started to grow.

My craving for independence and meaning for everything created a hole to the perfectness I had and so now, all the inconsistencies freely roamed by being. Damaged am I today. How can this stop? How do I mend my broken pieces?

For years now, I am unsatisfied to almost everything that had crossed my path. I am being unfair with all...I am depriving myself to its real meaning; for my life to be happy.

I over dreamed, exaggerated the "REAL LIFE" deal. I am wrong, I admit, I really messed up. My superior evaluation of life now turned out to crab mentality, add up the paranoia and frustrations. I no longer know myself.

The supposed to be fun day-by-day of mine is now a stressful what's next drama. I am tired and exhausted. How can I have a break from all of these?

I've tried to escape, not just once but more than a million times yet, am still coming back to this crappy ride. Alcohol and tobacco do help me sometimes moreover, at the end of the day, it's all gonna be the same ambiguous being.

What really went wrong? I just couldn't identify it, better yet, couldn't face it! How am I gonna acknowledge the fact that I am a total failure now and I need to start from scratch again?