To my Future Daughter

Dear Future Headache,

I am sorry. You came unplanned and yes I am damned surprised. I wasn’t “that happy” when i saw the positive lines to those PT tests (i did thrice thinking the first and second was an error), but I wasn’t also sad. Deep inside I know I want to have a mini me, it is just you came two years earlier than of my plan. I am sorry if you ever felt you are unwanted...Your mom is just crazy and don’t know what feelings to have. 

I am sorry I smoked “my last puff” while waiting for the blood test (to confirm 200% that you are really here). The moment I got the lab results tho, never I dared to look and touch a cigarette again. It is so difficult not to have a decent withdrawal period but, your health matters more to me. (Takot ko lang na maging ngo-ngo ka 😂)

I am sorry that I didn’t emotionally attached myself immediately to you. During the first doctor visit, she said that there’s a possibility that your heartbeat will not develop: I had an alcoholic, smoking spree and adventurous month during your first weeks. (You are with me in Egypt—smoking, drinking, and climbing the pyramids. Went to Philippines- hanged out with your Ninongs and ninangs and yes, non-stop alcohol and nicotine. Lastly, in Dubai, while your Ninangs and I slide our asses not once but twice and non-stop in Lego land and drunk 2 boxes of Heineken beers in just two nights 🤦🏼‍♀️)

I avoided thinking I am pregnant and just continued with my day to day even people saying to me, “start talking to it, naririnig ka na nya.” I am afraid to fall in love with you, and the latter, i expected the worst and you will leave me just like that. 

But weeks have passed and here you are. Strong as F and giving Nanay a hard time carrying you 😂 Cramps, sleepless nights... me not able to eat and enjoy meals. (I lost 8kgs already— you are dieting me😬)

You made me an emotional freak; crying over petty stuffs. EG: I cried over a fish that ain’t looking as exactly the menu picture. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I sobbed for almost 30mins when I read the message that your Nanay Tinz can’t accompany me to your scan. I obsessed myself looking at your Kuya Liam’s pictures and videos (Thank you Mamamanager for your IG posts that i stalk everyday) 🙄Nagged your Ninang Diana for mandatory talks every day (oh well, i know she loves talking to me too so all is fair) 😂I became crazier than ever 🤣

Tons have changed since I saw those two lines. One thing is for sure tho, i love you more, and more each day. I will sacrifice my world and others too (collateral damage 🤭) just to give you the best of the world.

I am afraid not to be a great mom. I am afraid that when you grow up you will be hating me. (Our Zodiac sign btw contradicts each other 😱) I am afraid I will not be enough to fulfill your future potential.

I know I will be a stage mom. For that, I apologize. Know that from this moment on, there will be a pressure on your shoulder— I hope and pray that you be the one to accomplish Nanay’s dream: ATTY before your name 😬🤭. But if in case not, still I will love you unconditionally. But please, just don’t be a damn ass 😂😅 worst, a blondie stupid one😣

Your dad wants you to learn German. I want Mandarin. (So basically we will force you to know 5 languages- English, Filipino, Romanian, German and Mandarin) 😏 He wants you to do fencing, and me archery. He wants you to play the violin and Nanay wants harp. Too much things we want for you. Please don’t kill us later on 🤓😛 Again, sorry in advance.

I can’t wait to see you. I am excited to hug and kiss you 😘 Surely we will shower you with much love and affection and you will vomit from all of it 🤮🙇🏻‍♀️ Please don’t get tired of me as my world revolves around you now. I will be protective of you— ensuring 99.9% of safeguarding 😬.

I love you little one. You are the best thing that happened to me. You are my happiness in the dawn. 

P.S.: Love me back and stop making me suffer 😂😂😂

Your daddy can’t write his own message so here’s the screenshot of what he wants to say:

When you Hit Rock Bottom Shit

*Found this on my notes. Last year is really rock bottom shit for me. 2017 kicked me multiple times and in all aspect of my life.

At 27, I lost my job. Whose fault it is? Mine. Ignorant decision making, trusted wrong people, outburst of emotion and of course, ego. I am wrong yet, i stand not to be corrected; to shamed to admit it. Am i a bad ass? Nope! I am stupid and now I am walking to the consequences—

Last two weeks til’ this date, i can’t sleep properly. I will wake up every hour and frustrated to check my e-mails to see if one company replies to my sent work intent. But there is none. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster ride; every time the clock hits 3pm, it is already a disappointment. (Office hours are done, so, no can do for a job offer call) My phone now is always at loud, hoping someone will give me a ring—

I avoided and avoiding people. I received messages and just ignores it. In times like this, I’ve realized that people aren’t actually concern with you but, rather, would like to get “news” which they can spread out through the community. As if I am a fuckin’ celebrity and my professional heartbreak is a front page full coloured print out tabloid worthy.

I went to numerous interviews. Talking non-stop; trying to impress people but controlling myself not to beg for a job. Expensive day to day. Uber here, Bahrain taxi there. It is just exhausting and yes, still after some time, I am empty handed. No job offer.

I try to plan things. Option after option. What will be next for me? What will bring back my angst just to be me, again. I am a warrior and tried to live as such as one. Tough me, i am the boss for long and never will i allow it to be lowered.

My standard of life. My professional ethique. What will be next now?

Short Term Eye for Success- Job Hopper Me

During my first year of employment, I attended tons of interviews— actively searching for a “change”. One of the HR guy questioned me and it absolutely marked: “How do you see yourself 5 years from now in the company?” My answer, a long pause and an awkward smile. My thought is, never to stay to a company that long. It will be dreadful to do same stuffs over and over thru the years.

Years had passed and still the same perspective i have. I can’t last that long to a job. My maximum employment history is of 2 years and 5 months. I ask myself, what’s wrong with me?

I get bored easily. I always crave for what’s next and for more challenges. I hate routine and i am uncomfortable being mandated by the norms.

I don’t have retirement plans. I live only by the moment and that moment is to satisfy my urge for further success; professional labels and nothing else.

Is it wrong? Yes, I admit. I guess it is a “millenial” thing that I am brought up with the mentality of I can do and be anything I want hence, I always keep testing my waters. It is not easy but, as weird as it is, I am satisfied.

Funny that people all over recognizes me from “somewhere” just because I have worked almost “everywhere”. 

One company to the other; grade levels up and down. There will be no stability yet, there is fondness with it. Why am I patronizing this mentality? 

I am just laughing with my own stupidness. 

Don’t be like me. Don’t be like Jessie 😂 

And yes, right now, after 4 months of being employed by my current company, I am planning on resigning 🤨🤨🤨.