People live, then die...we are born, be a kid, a teen, then old...lucky you if you are to reach super old with good strength...more or less, you and me need to die.
Am not a fan of death..who else does? I mean, back then, when am hurt or depressed, I kinda would want to die (emo days), moreover, facing continuous deaths in our family (yes, right..CONTINUOUS!) I can't help but ask, "WHY?" Why them? Why now? Why almost every month I have to say goodbye to my relatives?
I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to be mad but I can't blame God: Let His will be done right? And who am I ask to question His will? I guess I should be numb, which would be unfair...
I am bruised, cut...I am in pain. I need some answers...
Jessie's World
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Yes
Been hammering myself that I should be this and that: I want to be the bread winner, my parents proud of me, establish my own name, be different from other, and etc. I became ambitious...monster ambitious!
I resigned from my previous works thinking that I can do better (4 resignations in 2011): career suicide it is.
I spend so much than is what worth of me: I have credits that are still unpaid up to date and it is depressing.
I pretended that I am okay though deep down I am bleeding.
Played with emotions; manipulated people so I can gain from them, so evil of me.
My life seriously been a roller coaster ride for these past few months or should I say, since after graduation. They say that to have a dream is good; "Dreams within our heart will guide and inspire us." Moreover, I miss-interpreted it and made my dreams to control me and not the other way around. I changed a lot. Jessie became the worst of herself and I hated myself for that.
Sleepless nights, months of wandering around, and drinking. I have no one to turn too. Or should I say, I didn't allow any one to save me from my miseries. I was blinded by my ambitions and it ate me alive.
I became weak. Baby like that needs to be cuddled and assured that everything will be alright. My family was puzzled and shocked when they saw me cry. Everyone thought that I am strong as steel, but I am not. All the dreams that didn't came to reality, the pressure to be the Jessie that I wanted to be and the incidents (Someone was shot and killed right in front of me, 3 deaths in our family this 2011 and seeing my Aunt battling with cancer everyday) that slapped the hell out of me came crashing without anything to shield me.
I was asked, not only once, "What happened to you? You were fun back then and now...?" My answer, SHIT HAPPENS, LIFE HAPPEN! WRONG! Should have been, SHIT HAPPENS, JESSIE HAPPEN!
Now, am starting a new. I want to be redirected. How? I don’t know…All I know now is I am giving everything up to God. I am tired of planning my life. I guess it is about time that I let God’s plan be done and me just to be and play on it. It is time for me to give in and swallow my pride.
“Tired but not giving up...Everything happens for a reason and surely, God will always provide! :))”
I resigned from my previous works thinking that I can do better (4 resignations in 2011): career suicide it is.
I spend so much than is what worth of me: I have credits that are still unpaid up to date and it is depressing.
I pretended that I am okay though deep down I am bleeding.
Played with emotions; manipulated people so I can gain from them, so evil of me.
My life seriously been a roller coaster ride for these past few months or should I say, since after graduation. They say that to have a dream is good; "Dreams within our heart will guide and inspire us." Moreover, I miss-interpreted it and made my dreams to control me and not the other way around. I changed a lot. Jessie became the worst of herself and I hated myself for that.
Sleepless nights, months of wandering around, and drinking. I have no one to turn too. Or should I say, I didn't allow any one to save me from my miseries. I was blinded by my ambitions and it ate me alive.
I became weak. Baby like that needs to be cuddled and assured that everything will be alright. My family was puzzled and shocked when they saw me cry. Everyone thought that I am strong as steel, but I am not. All the dreams that didn't came to reality, the pressure to be the Jessie that I wanted to be and the incidents (Someone was shot and killed right in front of me, 3 deaths in our family this 2011 and seeing my Aunt battling with cancer everyday) that slapped the hell out of me came crashing without anything to shield me.
I was asked, not only once, "What happened to you? You were fun back then and now...?" My answer, SHIT HAPPENS, LIFE HAPPEN! WRONG! Should have been, SHIT HAPPENS, JESSIE HAPPEN!
Now, am starting a new. I want to be redirected. How? I don’t know…All I know now is I am giving everything up to God. I am tired of planning my life. I guess it is about time that I let God’s plan be done and me just to be and play on it. It is time for me to give in and swallow my pride.
“Tired but not giving up...Everything happens for a reason and surely, God will always provide! :))”
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