And again it happened...

Same time last year, I have prayed for someone to come to my life...

I've never been to a relationship for quite sometime. Honestly, I couldn't even remember the feeling of being loved---not of course the parental and friendship love but the love coming from another gender. I miss the feeling of holding someone's hand,  going out on a date and cuddling that as if there's no tomorrow.

I've masked myself with the thought that guys will be guys---pigs, and they will just play along. And that guys will be better off as my buddies. For years I've been numb but with the sense of longing and thinking the what ifs. Irony of being a girl; tried to pretend that I hated to be in a relationship but deep down inside, I wanted to be part of such real bad.

Moving on, so there am I, trapped with my own ambiguity. Then it happened...

Because of my search of independence, I've decided to leave Phils and worked overseas. During the 6 months of my stay in Bahrain, routine will be just of work and home and church. No other social life than my co-workers and flatmates. I am shelled at Flat 21: parties at home, cutting of hair at home and so on and so forth...all at home. Then I've resigned and got a new job and the experiment happened.

My colleagues pushed me to date. They say am still young so better explore ,my horizons. And as a good kid, I did. I've dated...everyday am dating. For the next months, lunches and dinners to restaurant with strangers. Different nationalities I've dated: from American to German, to Russian to Pakistan and then to Indian and whatever nationality there will be.

With the series of dating, all actually did me only one good---having a full stomach from free dinners or lunches :) Nothing clique for a possible good relationship. There are two who seemed good, but after months, again my piggy thinking of boys sealed it.

So I got tired and hopeless that there will be a good fish in the water. I returned back to the thing I know would give me what I wanted; prayer.

I prayed every night to God that please, please, send someone I can be with. Send someone I can be mine and mine as his. Send someone oh God I beg as i badly needed to have someone by my side...please, please... Am in great despair.

--------
to be continued

Quarter Life Crisis

You are young and working; dynamic and bubbly. Free spirited and full of hopes more so, when the dawn comes, you started asking yourself, is this the extent you want to claim?

You receive salary every month from a position that is fare enough at your age; you roam around and is deployed overseas. You own all the time in the world and independence is at your feet but the question is, is it all worth it?

fairytale no-no

Life ain't a fairytale...in such, don't expect to be treated as a princess.

There's no real prince nor king who will come and save you...no knight in shining armor to defend you and there's no one who will be willing to die for you.

Life is a bitch and so are you---and from there, your day to day will change from dreamland to reality. You expect for too much, moreover, in the end, all are just a game and you are the trying hard player who will not manage to score.

Flowers wilting,  chocolates melting...the sweet and sour part of the you thought relationship but just a plain fling. You are stupid and dumb and yet you still hope, magic will turn everything around.

Dumbidumbidumbidum...

Something's Wrong

For years I am numb. There's a story behind it...The pain I've been through caused this wall of not entertaining the so called, love.

 Am I happy? Yes...for quite sometime...I've enjoyed knocking down each and every opportunity of actually falling to something---to someone...but lately I've wondered...

There are the what ifs and the why not...and I actually entertained the concept again of letting someone in with my life...

But the joke was on me...sad to admit...I no longer know how to manage...to control this emotion of mine.

I expect---too much. I want to cling which is becoming annoying. I am irritated already to what I have become. What's wrong with me?

 I want to please but then I couldn't.  I became a monster of craving for attention.

 Guess am asking for too much. I kept on saying that life's a bitch but moreover, I can't afford to deal with it. Sigh...just sigh. 

It isn't Christmas, yet am asking for Santa

I just want to be someone's princess. :( I am tired of hoping and exploring. The dating  game is becoming over rated and killing my sense of reality little by little. I no longer want to expect yet, am still aiming.

When you will come? My patience is really being tested.

I have dated a lot lately, and seriously, all failed---on a drastic sense of level. The ones I liked (initial like) would end up not calling back or be out of the country for long. And for others, after the second date, their dicks are talking than their heads.

I came to ask myself, do I need to change myself just to be with someone or the other way around?

I know love shouldn't be rushed moreover, I just need someone whom I can be with...Right here and right now.

I am craving for cuddles and not fucking. I want someone who will kiss me in my forehead than having that tounge French fighting. Someone who will I enjoy movie and pig out with. Whom I will no need to worry to get tipsy and drunk because I know he cares and he is there to carry me through the night.

Am I asking for too much???

pusong nga-nga :)

Ung tipong wala ka namang karapatan, nagdradrama ka ng walang humpay...nakakabwisit lang kasing isipin na kahit kailan hindi ka magiging akin. Walang tayo, hindi pwedeng maging tayo kahit patay na patay ako sa'yo :) hahayst. Nga-nga to the nth time na lang.

Hindi talaga ako swerte pagdating sa relasyon. Kaboom!

dating game

*am tipsy while doing this one so pardon the misspellings and also the bitchiness*

So, for this past weeks am being involved to this dating scene...different nationalities and what nots...am in Bahrain...it is part of the expatriate world...

Moving on, I have met a lot...I've dated an Egyptian actor, a half Russian, half Jordan hotelier, Irish human resource expert and then a Persian sky king... all are fun, they are very creative actually when it comes to dating. Nonetheless, they aren't the guy, moreover, the man am looking for (oh well, the Russian got me head over heels though)

Anyhow, I must admit, I've lowered my specs by doing such...who does too much dates in a week???

I am bored and trying to experiment my horizons...actually testing my confidence if I can do it...

Too much drama actually...cause as I've said, those are my first ambiguous dates...

They are all gentle men but also, they are all players...I just simply know.

It saddens me that I have to go this far just to meet that fucking one...how pathetic really?

*to be continued because now am not just tipsy but drunk  :) hoho*

Lesson learned: Not everything you wanted may be given to you. Dreams are dreams and reality sucks and better deal with it :)